I have no energy or desire to do ANYTHING. I'm not sure if I care much about anything anymore either. I'm being pulled in 900 different directions and I just dunno what to do anymore.

First of all - - He picked her. Not me. Dunno what my problem is, but I can't seem to keep ahold of the man I love.

Secondly - - drove to Omaha to visit my dad's grave yesterday....that was stressful and there was a decent amount of arguing with TJ in the car on the way there. Things were better on the way back.

Thirdly - - TJ's family Thanksgiving on Saturday was nice. We had a wonderful morning. I worked Friday night, and went out to his place Saturday morning and climbed in his waterbed (warm and toast 'cuz it's heated) and was zonked. He came in and crawled in next to me and woke me up....his mom was just leaving for Bettendorf and we had to wait for his dad to come back from a service call for work, so he wanted me to kinda wake up and start getting ready to go.

We had a wonderful and relaxing morning. Lounged around in bed for a while and talked, laughed, cuddled, etc. He asked about my night at work, and what not...After Cindy left I decided I should probably get moving, so I hopped in the shower (and he joined me later, what a nice surprise...lol) I could have never imagined how relaxing it can be standing underneath a showerhead (with wonderful water pressure!) having hot water pound on your back/neck and just be held....curl up in someone's arms and held close for minutes on end.....I almost fell asleep...lol.

His dad ended up driving my car to Bettendorf, I slept in the back ;) Once we were there, we ate and then just visited with the rest of his family. It was really neat to sit back and watch him play with Chase (his 8 month old cousin.) Spending time with him and his family made me realize that I'm starting to have feelings for him......and then for some reason the shit hit the fan.

I think it was because I had talked to Jeff (he called after we left) and the more I got to thinking about him choosing Val over me made me upset. It still is bringing tears to my eyes but I don't dare tell him that. TJ tried to help.......we went shopping (I wanted to) but didn't go so well. The drive back to Cedar Rapids sucked because he tried to help and all I did was snap/bitch/yell and argue. By the time we got home to his place, I went in, got my stuff left the gift he gave me there, asked for my pills back and was ready to leave and never go back. (And I told him that last part....that about put him in tears) We talked and worked things out and it was okay, but then the next morning on the way to Omaha we were at it again.

And its over stupid stuff. I dunno what my problem is...and I know it's me. I'm totally freaking out. I'm angry/sad/mad/upset/irritated/pissed off/miserable/confused/abandoned/hated/happy and loved all at the same damn time.

THEN - that brings us up to today I guess....We woke up and things were great, did the hug/kiss routine before we got in our seperate vehicles - him to work, and me to home.....I come home, shower/change clothes, etc and leave for school. Run some errands after class, come home and start reading the paper. I'm totally thrilled that the apt complex I'm looking at is offering 2 months free, which with my plan (split it up monthly) bring my rent down to 392 instead of 470....yay! The phone starts ringing and I don't answer because RARELY is the house phone for me, and sure enough, its Bev....

"Beck, its Bev. Can you give me a call at work as soon as you can." *in a "its not a good thing" tone.

I grab my cell phone and sure enough I have two missed calls from Raynor (where Bev, me, TJ and his dad all work) and I KNOW something happened.........

"Hey, its Becky...what's going on? Everything ok?"

"Well honey - not really. What are you doing?"

"Nothing right yet, why? What do you need?"

"Can you run out to John and Cindy's? TJ had another seizure today and is on his way home with Louie. He tried to call your cell phone, but since you didn't answer Louie offered to take him home. I don't want him to be home alone."

"Oh my - yeah, I'm on my way out there"

It scares me. I talked to him later and we talked about it and just how he doesn't know what happened/how it happened/etc. is bothersome, and the fact that he was just complaining about a major headache......*sighs*

Why me?!? Why do I have to have 10 million things go wrong when I'm in a good mood??? Then I find out that I've got major homework tonight that I really don't give a rats ass about and its just....yeah....

And then, Jeff IM's me when I sign on with the regular "hi, whats up?, whats new?" routine. What's up with that?

I'm going crazy. I know it.